An Open Letter to My Pets by Nicky De Lange
Dear Dog and Cat,
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help either, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine attendance has never been necessary.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs’ butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Now, In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and
Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
Note from Nicky: While digging through a ton of stuff I’ve saved for use in future columns, I recently found one of my favorite articles on pets. I received it as an e-mail from a friend. It rang so true and made me laugh so hard that I printed it out to read again and again. Then I promptly misplaced it.
I found it today and decided to share it with you. I don’t know who the original author is. I wish I did, so I could give proper credit as well as a thank you for creating something so funny. For now I have to go with “Anonymous” but if you know who wrote it, please let me know. Here it is.