This ’n’ That by Nicky De Lange
During a recent attempt to clean off my computer desk, thereby finding my laptop, I ran across a catalog I’d forgotten I had.
It’s called Signals and describes itself as selling “gifts that inform, enlighten and entertain”. Seriously? Does it really say that? It not only says so on the cover. It proves it with some of the items it sells.
Here’s a good example: the company sells a T-shirt that says: “Engineer – Solving problems you didn’t know you had in ways you can’t understand”. I barely understood the T-shirt!
Now consider this shirt. It proclaims: “Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. A tree is a plant. Therefore, cocoa counts as a vegetable.” That certainly makes sense to me –maybe I’m more intellectual that I thought?
This next T-shirt is slightly weird but it does have a snappy ending. It reads: “Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup”. It’s definitely weird – but still interesting, right?
For all you dog lovers, consider buying another item, a doormat that proclaims: “Ring the doorbell and let me sing you the song of my people”.
It’s kind of out in left field until you think about it or visualize it – I warned you that Signals is an intellectual catalog, remember?
I don’t want to leave cat lovers out so, if you’re a friend of felines, this one’s for you. The picture on another T-shirt is of a totally blissed-out, relaxed cat curled up across an open book above the caption: “To a cat, all things belong to cats”.
Briefly coming back down to what I laughingly think of as the real world, here’s a shirt that gets right to the point. The older you are, the funnier it gets. It reads: “I’m old. I’m tired. Get off my lawn.” That says it all and sure does sum it up nicely.
If you’re a fan of those beef-jerky commercials featuring Bigfoot, you’ll probably relate to this T-shirt message: “Bigfoot saw me – but nobody believes him”.
There’s one shirt that really appealed to my sense of humor because it points out the peculiarity of the English language. It proclaims: “Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated. That’s irony!” Here’s the perfect shirt for people who overrate themselves: “If I were wrong, don’t you think I’d know?!” Truthfully, no, they wouldn’t. It would never occur to them.
For the rest of us, who know when we’ve reached our absolute limit – a limit that varies daily depending on our stress levels – this last shirt is the one to order. It announces pathetically: “I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me adult.”
Amen to that.