This 'n' That

This ’n’ That by Nicky De Lange

It dawned on me recently that reality television shows can be quite educational. Not all of them; for instance, I never got hooked on watching Fear Factor.
That’s one the goes back a few years. Fortunately for me, before I could make the mistake of watching even one episode, I caught an ad promoting it. Before I could close my eyes or turn off the television set, I saw people putting live spiders in their mouths and eating them. That moment is still indelibly etched in my brain.
I’m totally arachnophobic. There is no such thing, to my mind, as a small spider. And the only good spider is a dead one. Very, very dead. Most folks who want to get rid of one of these eight-legged horrors would spray it with a bug killer or smash it with a shoe. I favor a nice grenade. I just feel better knowing that spider is really gone for good.
Needless to say, I won’t ever watch Fear Factor.
Some of the other reality programs have a very different effect on me. Take Hoarders or Hoarding: Buried Alive. These shows feature people who live in homes stuffed floor to ceiling with junk. We’re talking junk piled to the ceiling in every room, closet, cellar and yard. This is reality and it’s overwhelming.
So of course I watch these programs regularly. I tell myself it’s to make sure I never wind up living that way – it’s a preventative effort. For those of you who’ve never had the experience of viewing one of these horrifying shows, try to imagine a dwelling literally full of totally useless junk. Like empty two-liter bottles, pizza boxes, unwashed dishes and sinks clogged by backed-up drains.
Did I forget to mention the tons of roaches and other bugs? The rats? These are not cute little mice, either. They are seriously large rodents and there are lots of them.
And then there is the dreaded refrigerator. This appliance is about the scariest thing I’ve seen in any TV program. It’s traumatizing to see one of the “cleaning experts” swing open the door. I’ve actually caught myself mumbling “No – please don’t open that!”, usually followed by me covering my face. Talk about “slime in the ice machine”!
The inside of the average refrigerator in a hoarded home is filled with gross, unidentifiable items. Many of them are ancient. The show’s experienced cleaning crew winds up wearing hazmat suits and wielding long-handled shovels. I wouldn’t have their job no matter how much money I was offered.
Each hoarding program features a psychologist with a background in counseling hoarders. That must take the patience of a saint as well as nerves of steel.
By the end of the show, even these professionals look traumatized. The hardier ones just look frustrated beyond belief. The people they’re trying to help are usually way off the wall mentally.
True hoarders can’t part with anything, no matter how useless or filthy it is. In a book about the subject, I read that these poor people feel as if every item in their hoard is a part of them. Chucking it out would be like throwing part of themselves away.
That’s when I had my big epiphany. I was never meant to be a psychologist or any other kind of mental-health professional. Somewhere during the second or perhaps third day of trying to persuade a hoarder to part with just one little piece of junk, I’d lose it completely and wind up in a mental institution myself.
Happy TV viewing, all y’all!

This ’n’ That by Nicky De Lange

Good news! It’s that time again. You know what I’m referring to – funny T-shirt sayings.
I honestly believe some of the most profound philosophical thoughts can be found on simple, everyday shirts. If I were writing a book on the topic, that’s where I’d do the majority of my research.
For example, consider this deep thought: “In my defense, I was left unsupervised”. Is that not the best excuse ever for those times when you’ve done something really bizarre? There’s also: “I’m not much on seizing the day – I just kinda poke at it with a stick”.
Another deep thought regarding time that really appeals to me is this dictionary definition: “Tomorrow/te’maro/n: A mythical land where I get all my stuff done”. Does that resonate with you? It sure does with me.
Also concerning time was this treasure I found in the same T-shirt catalog: “It’s been ‘ONE of those days’ for like three years now”! That is the best way to sum up the theory of relativity as it concerns time that I’ve ever read!
Another popular subject on T-shirts is sanity – or the lack of it. For example, there’s: “My alone time is sometimes for YOUR safety”. There’s a great message in there somewhere. Or how about: “My level of maturity changes depending on who I’m with”. Great way to put the blame for whatever idiotic thing you’ve done on someone else!
If you want to proudly let others know your sanity is a little on the shaky side, wear the T-shirt that asks: “I wonder what NORMAL PEOPLE think about”.
Here’s my favorite explanation for seeming just a little wacky to others: “Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a galaxy far, far away.”
Without a doubt, one of the most popular T-shirt categories is pets. One of the funniest ones I’ve seen has dog hair drawn all over the shirt front. Against this background is the simple message: “Dog hair. Don’t care.” I hope they have this one in a cat version.
There’s another that reads: “Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home”. I bet that doesn’t come in a cat version!
But the one that – at least in my humble opinion – sums up the relationship between dogs and humans the best says: “When I die, the dog gets everything”!
The last category today is a new one – people’s exes. Not all marriages have happy endings, judging by two new T-shirts I found recently. The first shirt gives you a warning that things can get rocky sometimes: “If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex”!
Now that you have a clue, brace yourself for the next one. Ready?
“All I’m saying is I’ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room”!
This is a good place to quit. I’m happily married and plan to stay that way. Although, when I die, the cats really do get everything!

This ’n’ That by Nicky De Lange

Memory is a strange and amazing thing. Have you ever suddenly remembered something from your childhood that you had totally blanked out of your mind?
I’m not talking about anything devastating, tragic or traumatic. Or, for that matter, anything wonderful or special.
This is just some simple thing – a favorite toy, a delicious treat or a pair of really loved cowboy boots. There are lots of cues that spark some quirky thing you remember from the past – newly-cut lawns, a TV show you never missed, the sound of the ice-cream truck coming down your street.
That kind of thing hit me the other day over something so mundane I couldn’t believe the mental picture I had.
If you’re old enough, picture oleomargarine or, as it’s commonly called, “oleo”. If you are a Gen Xer, you will probably picture a plastic tub of this common food. It looks just like real butter and often tastes about the same.
But, if you’re a Baby Boomer, you might remember oleo the way I did recently. Picture a heavy clear plastic bag filled with a white oily substance. It looked like Crisco.
Here’s the kicker, the part that really jolted me back to the late 1940s. In the middle of the blob was an orangey-red circle like a setting sun. Is this jogging your memory now?
Back in the early days of oleo, selling colored versions of it was illegal. I think I read something about the government trying to prevent it being passed off as genuine butter, defrauding consumers.
And that’s the sudden recall I experienced recently. I remembered my mother bringing home groceries, including the package containing the bright red-orange packet containing artificial coloring to make the margarine look tasty. You just squeezed the package before opening it and the coloring turned the oleo a nice buttery yellow.
That was my favorite chore, getting to squish the oleo around with the coloring. If I did a good job, I could magically turn the white goop into delicious-looking fake butter.
Why this was so much fun, I cannot now imagine. I just know that, back in the mid-1940s, we didn’t have colored margarine and real yellow-colored butter must have been too expensive for the average family.
I don’t recall when this funky butter substitute disappeared from grocery stores. My best guess – and it’s only a guess – would be somewhere in the early or mid-1950s.
But as time passes by, there will be fewer and fewer of us left who recall the early oleo. Like the dinosaurs, it has disappeared, along with dime stores, DC comics, nickel cokes and radio serial programs – you might remember Stella Dallas or Pepper Young’s Family.
In years to come, my grandkids will fondly remember Mario Brothers, Frozen and sneakers with twinkling lights on them.
Heaven knows what Millennials and whomever comes next will remember. But I doubt if it will be any cooler than color-it-yourself margarine.

This ’n’ That by Nicky De Lange

I  thought I’d do my good deed for the week and remind all of you that next Tuesday, April 18, is this year’s date for Texas City’s annual industrial trade show. It will be held at its usual location, the Doyle convention center in Nessler Park, from around 11:00am to 5:00pm.
The trade show is one of my favorite yearly events, as there are several reasons to attend.
It’s free, for a start. Free is good. And, because it’s free, it attracts a very good crowd. It’s the perfect opportunity
to run into friends you only see occasionally. You don’t want to miss this chance to catch up on all their news
as well as share your own.
Another incentive? You’re given lunch. You know the old saying “there’s no such thing as a free lunch”? Well, yes, there is. When you register in the lobby, you’ll be given tickets entitling you to a BBQ sandwich, chips and a drink. All that just for showing up.
And here’s my best tip of the day – save your tickets until you’ve finished making the rounds of all the booths. Believe me, there’s a bunch of them and you don’t really want to visit them while trying to balance BBQ, chips and soda.
If this year’s event is like its forerunners, the lunch booth will be at the far back of the auditorium, so it’s easy to just work your way back there when you’ve finished making the rounds.
Checking out the various companies who set up booths is a very good thing to do but, first, ask around to see which booths are giving out free tote bags. You’re going to need at least one to “tote” all the free samples that are given away by the booth holders.
And that’s another good reason to attend the industrial trade show. You will not have to buy another notepad, pencil, pen, candy or handy gadget for the rest of the year!
Some of the vendors hand out really neat items like mini-flashlights, tape measures, key rings, drink coozies and other useful things.
You can also take your business cards with you and drop them into bowls for free drawings as well. One year I won a very nice fold-up lawn-chair set for two. No cheap stuff at this event – they give away great prizes.
Now, not all the vendors will be selling industrial items or services. The city of Texas City always has a really nice booth with interesting giveaways, so be sure to check them out.
Also be sure to stop by any vendors promoting food-related businesses. They offer delicious free samples of their menus. (As I said earlier, free is good.) Again, it might be better to save them until the end, to avoid carrying around yummy but messy treats.
Did I mention wearing comfortable shoes? The parking lot fills up fast at certain times of the day and you might have to hike in from far out. That’s before you start prowling the many aisles of vendors, so tennies are always a good choice in footwear. They’re what I refer to as “Texas City casual”.
Hope to see you there. Remember, it takes place on Tuesday, April 18. I’ll be the one wearing the “squirrel whisperer” T-shirt. Of course, what else?

This ’n’ That by Nicky De Lange

A  quick warning: this column is about women’s shoes and what
I think about them. If you are a woman who goes nuts over footwear, you probably should sit down and brace yourself before reading on. Remember, I’m the one who hates shopping. I also hate shopping for shoes even more.
My problem with today’s shoes is that they are just plain ugly. Why would any woman in her right mind wear stilettos? (OK, I get the picture; – I’m bracing myself – Ed.)
I’m not talking three to four inch heels here. I’m referring to those six-inch pumps that make you look– and walk – like a giraffe.
They also feature thick soles, which makes them even clunkier. Some come in an ankle-boot style. Definitely not a good idea. They make you resemble a demented elf. (Now I really need to lie down – Ed.)
And if you don’t have small feet, it just gets worse. If, as I do, you wear a size nine, you’d probably look better wearing the cardboard boxes they are packed in. Trust me on this.
Then there are the pumps with the super pointed toes. I remember back in the 1960s, when this style was popular. That was more than 50 years ago and women who wore these torture devices still complain about what it did to their toes. Not to mention bunions.
What’s wrong with nice comfortable tennies? There are all sorts of cute ones out there. Glittery, colorful and great for walking – which describes the perfect shoe, in my opinion.
One of the worst ideas I’ve seen in shoe design is the sandals that lace all the way up your calf to your knee. Who has time for all that lacing? (Let me do it – pleeeeez! Ed.)
I did it back when I roller-skated as a teenager. I doubt I’ll be taking that hobby up again any time soon. Besides, how many gals want to look like a Roman gladiator?
Which brings us to another mistake in shoe design – the boot. Western boots are great. When I owned a horse, I found some at the local feed store that were incredible.
Made of sturdy vinyl, they were a snug fit around the ankle and foot, preventing them from sucking off in the mud at my horse pasture. They also looked like real cowboy boots, so I could wear them everywhere and anywhere and no one could tell they were just rubber boots.
But leather boots, whatever the style, aren’t nearly as comfortable. They tend to feel hot in our mild Texas winters.
And Heaven forbid you buy suede boots. Suede does not do well if it gets wet and here we are in a climate that swings from wet to dry in just minutes. Good luck with them.
My very favorite shoes are sandals. If you pick the right kind, the comfortable styles, you can wear them almost year-round on the Texas Gulf Coast. They’re perfect for vacations or airline flights –
no untying and retying while going through security, a real plus in today’s airports.
You don’t want to know how many pairs of them I own!