By: Shelle Amey
Forgiveness and Reconciliation are connected but are not the same. The bible says we must forgive those who sin against us because the Lord forgives us for sinning against Him. When someone has hurt you deeply, you can forgive them, it is not always possible to reconcile with a hurtful, unrepentant, or abusive person. What I mean by this is, there can be forgiveness without reconciliation but you cannot have reconciliation without forgiveness. Forgiveness can be done from your heart to God, without the consent of the other person. Reconciliation requires both people to agree on forgiveness and work toward reconciling the relationship. If you cannot come to a place of reconciliation, you are still required to forgive the person. Forgiveness with no reconciliation can mean you’re simply releasing yourself from the person and moving on with your life. God’s desire for our relationships in life is always total forgiveness and total reconciliation and restoration to the highest point possible. Forgiveness is mandatory but reconciliation does not always come right away. This is in no way saying that we will get it “right” every-single-time an offense occurs. But knowing that when people hurt us or when we hurt other people and reconciliation is wanted, in some cases, it may not be necessary. Learning to forgive people without expectation of reconciliation is hard for a lot of people to do. A lot times the person who caused the offense would like for the person who received the offense to forgive them quickly and allow things to go back to the way they once were. We have to have more consideration for how others’ walk through their healing process. They may be ready to forgive, but not ready to reconcile. Who hasn’t come across an offense? I think everyone can attest to being offended, hurt or abused in some fashion. At times, even being the person who caused offense. But our attempt with forgiveness for everyone should look like Christ. It comes at different times for everyone because everyone’s walk is different. Forgiveness doesn’t always look like best-friends again. Forgiveness doesn’t always look “bright” through rose-colored lenses. Sometimes you have to forgive others by faith and ask God to soften your heart to be able to truly forgive the person. Someone asked the question: How do you forgive someone that keeps doing the same thing? The answer to that is in Matthew 18:22, (paraphrasing) when Jesus told Peter to forgive his brother seventy times seven. That means that no matter how many times this person offends you, you are to forgive him. That can be hard when the person you are supposed to forgive is constantly re-opening the same wounds with the same behavior, but it is possible. There is no limit to the forgiveness of God, therefore there should be no limit of forgiveness of person to person. When dealing with a person who does not want to change their behavior, in my opinion, they should not walk with you in your next chapter of life. You can forgive them and move on. Do not harbor hatred or ill-feelings, simply-move on. Do not allow someone to continue to hurt you over and over again. Doing this not only hurts you and the people who love you, but it hurts them as well. They are not being held accountable for their hurtful behavior and because they are continuously allowed “back into” your life, they feel entitled to continue treating you the same way. I can say these things to you because this is something my Father God has dealt with me on. I can boldly say that I have been the person who caused the offense and I have been the person who has been offended. Forgiveness has been a hard area of success for me but has changed my life. Accepting apologies from people who have tried to tear me down, forgiving people even when I didn’t want to, or when they didn’t ask for it, has helped healed my heart in ways I could never explain in words. But this was in no way easy for me to do. Most days, I would have to forgive them by faith. I would have to tell myself to forgive them. Eventually, my heart began to feel differently toward them. Forgiveness ties into loving others. We must always love, but love comes in many different ways. Sometimes love looks like forgiving now, but reconciling later. Even then reconciliation may not mean restoring the relationship to where it was before the offense happened. Although, when you have two people on both sides of the spectrum that are willing to forgive and work toward rebuilding the relationship-God is pleased. You should go for it! You both should communicate your honest feelings in love, being considerate of one another and work toward a better relationship. Treating others with understanding and kindness is a sure reflection of God’s faith fulness and love He shows toward us every day. It also helps to deliver your heart from pain. Im sure you have heard this statement before, and it still remains true, “forgiveness is not for them, forgiveness is for you”. So love yourself today, by making up your mind to forgive those who have offended you. Then open up your heart to reconcile to the highest point possible when all parties involved are truly ready. –
