By Terry Carter, RTT, CHYP
Owner of WorldWellnessToday.com
In times of financial stress, relationships between friends and loved ones are often pushed to their limits. Add in isolation, and you will know in a short time who your allies are in life.
The story I heard years ago went like this: A real friend will call and ask for permission to visit when you hit high points in your life. When you are at your lowest points, a real friend — and a loving partner — will simply be there to hold you, to help you.
After 32 years of marriage to one remarkable woman and talking with thousands of couples, I have seen the good, bad and ugly in relationships. Some relationships appear meant to succeed; some may seem destined to fail. But the vast majority depend on two people and their daily choices to love and live unconditionally.
None are like the Hollywood romances fairy tales we grew up with in the movies. Mindvalley Russia Co-Founder and public speaker Kristina Mand-Lakhiani often shares deep philosophy in her social media messages. Recently she de-constructed the phrase so many girls live by: Living happily ever after. I highly recommend her work as a reference, and I agree that the fantasy, fairy tale ending dreamed of is not an automatic. It can exist if you are willing to course correct as every life path has hills and valleys, boulders and speed bumps.
Simply put, every relationship simply takes work, dedication, loyalty and unconditional love shared equally. When clients come to me for help with self-love and help with relationships, I share the same basic rules that are essential and duplicatable.
• Learn to love yourself for who you are today is the first key to finding a loving relationship. This means accept yourself — including your flaws — as you are and includes you without the accessories, favorite clothes, car, home, shoes, etc. Know yourself, know where you need more work and do that work consistently. Once you love yourself, then and only then are you able to love someone else fully. You must learn that you are enough because you are what a partner must love.
• No one enters a relationship as flawless. Some might look impressive, but actions speak louder than words. Don’t be fooled by appearances. Suits and dresses often hide the character issues that time will reveal. So do kind words like “I’m sorry” over time. Eventually the good looks fade anyway, so look for an authentic, quality character in a partner, someone you can trust completely. Actions will speak more about a person’s character than their words. Daters should be most aware of this as sweet are very persuasive when you are looking for a partner to fill what you lack.
• We are all making mistakes daily. However, agreed-upon guidelines beforehand will limit the boundaries of a sustainable relationship. Some things can be forgiven (I forgot to do the dishes) and some things may not be forgiven. Everyone involved should know the limits before day one.
• Realize why you want to be in a relationship and what type of relationship is right for you. Are you looking because you need help in some area or you are codependent? Are you looking for a long-term love or something different? Know what you will and will not accept from your partner. This is part of self-knowledge, self-love.
• Communicate clearly on all levels so there are no secrets. Secrets, deception and lies will not sustain a relationship for long. Speak from the heart and use an authentic, kind/loving voice. This includes everything we are too shy or ashamed to mention. Being open and honest should become natural, easy.
• Know that long-term relationships are not about power trips. They are about unconditional love, sacrifice, sharing, negotiating solutions and teamwork — more giving than taking. It’s not about you being right. Narcissists, please take note. Pride, selfish desires and a lack of discipline end more than 75 percent of all relationships. Half of marriages would not end in divorce if an extra $500-$900/month was added to the household, according to statistics.
• Finally two people who know themselves and love themselves — and are looking for a similar type of relationship — are approximately 10 times more likely to stay happy and together than one loving person trying to salvage a relationship with someone who does not yet love themselves.
It is not a game of co-dependence. Love is a game of two inter-dependent individuals who share love and have chosen not to look for something better.
With these principles added to a trouble relationship, I have observed relationships becoming loving again after years of struggle. I cannot say that every relationship can be saved, but if two people are dedicated to making that relationship grow and work, anything is possible. And anxiety and stress are no match for a strong, trusting love.
Terry Carter is a Rapid Transformational Therapist and Hypnotherapist in Katy, Texas. He can be reached at WorldWellnessToday.com, by email at UDTherapy@gmail.com, by phone at 281.541.4983. He also hosts free Facebook Live events several times weekly on mindset, wellness and winning in life. Carter also hosts a free Zoom meeting on Sunday nights at 8 p.m. (Central Time) at zoom.us/j/2030492222 every other Monday at 6 p.m. All are invited.
