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I’M TIRED AND I’M CONFUSED

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A few nights ago I got into a little disagreement with

my mom. Basically, it centered around my horrible

sleeping habits. Ever since I started earning my undergraduate

degree in 2011, I haven’t been going to

sleep at a reasonable hour. Most people probably go

to sleep around 10pm or 11pm, right? I’ll go to sleep

from anytime between midnight and 3am. The time I

sleep depends on the time I have to get up the next

day. For example, if I have to be up by 6:15am, I will

try (read: try) to be asleep by 11:15pm. But if it’s a

weekend and I don’t have to be awake at any specified

time, there’s a chance that you’ll see me up at

3am deep in YouTube videos.

And that’s pretty much what I’m up that late doing.

I’ll start watching a show or YouTube video, and then

see something else I want to watch, and then decide

to listen to a song, and then another song, and before

I know it, it’s way later than I expected it to be and

suddenly I’m going “if I sleep right now I’ll get seven

hours of sleep.” But do I turn off my computer? That

would be no.

Then, of course, I regret it the next morning. Because

there I am falling asleep over my cornflakes.

And then my mom sees me and is like “you haven’t

slept well last night, I can see it in your eyes.” And

then I get a talk about how I need to take care of my

body and let my eyes and mind rest and “not be on

the phone/computer so late.” And, you know something,

I agree with her. You’ll find this strange

to hear, considering everything you have just

read, but I love sleeping. Once I actually get to

sleep, I can do it all day. Well, maybe I couldn’t,

but I can easily sleep for hours on end.

So, why am I always up so late? Of course,

the easy answer is –Trishna, it’s because

you’re on the computer watching fan-made

videos of Ron and Hermione and listening to

Zayn songs. But I know for a fact that this isn’t

the reason. I mean it’s a part of it, a big part of

it, but there is an underlying reason. Which I’ve

finally figured out.

I stay up late because I don’t want to be in

that position where I’m sleeping and all my

thoughts—that I keep at bay during the day

when I’m distracted—come rushing in. And I’m

not talking about thoughts like ‘what should I

have for dinner tonight’ or ‘I really want chocolate

right now’, but stress-inducing, anxiety-rid den

thoughts. Thoughts about my professional

future, thoughts about my personal future,

thoughts about life…all of that. And I hate facing

the thoughts because it makes me nervous.

I am the type of person who hates not knowing

what the future holds. Everyone else is like ‘oh,

I love not knowing, that’s what makes it fun.’

And I’m just like ‘no, I hate not knowing.’ If I

could see into the future, and see exactly how

my life ends up, I would jump at that chance.

Will I ever find the man of my dreams and get

married? Will I have a successful career? Will I

have kids? Will I be happy? These are some of

the thoughts that often cross my mind and the

ones I want to know the answers too.

Real talk—the future freaks me out. More real

talk—I don’t understand how there are people

my age who already have their life figured out.

I mean I know people my age who are already

established in their careers. I know people

my age who already have enough money for

their own place. I know people my age who are

married, some even with kids. And what am

I? A single pringle who’s still lives at home, is

in school, getting a degree, and trying to figure this

mess called life out.

And deep down, like way deep down, I know that

I am on the right path. I may not be with anyone just

yet, but that’s giving me time to shape myself into the

person I want to be. I’m able to do whatever I want,

because I don’t have to think about someone else’s

schedule. I’m able to learn about myself and learn

what I want; so that, when I meet someone, I know

they’re the right person. And I’m getting my degrees,

I’m doing internships, I’m taking classes—all so that

I can be successful in my career. It would be worse if

I was just sitting around doing nothing. But that’s not

the case. I’m working hard so that I can have the life I

want. It just would be nice if the process would speed

up a bit, you know?

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage.

Maybe it’s because I was recently at my cousin’s

wedding. Maybe it’s because so many people I know

have recently gotten married or engaged. I don’t re ally

know. But I was listening to a song and, no joke,

I was picturing myself walking down the aisle to that

song. I already know what song I want to dance to

as my first dance. I already have an idea of who I

want my bridesmaids to be. I’ve had all this in mind

since 2013 and yet I’m still with no one. And I know

‘the grass is always greener’ and there are so many

perks to being single. I’m not desperate or anything,

don’t get me wrong, I just want to know that it’s going

to happen for me. I freak myself out with the thoughts

that it won’t ever happen for me. And that’s when I

have to calm myself down by reminding myself that

everything else that I have worried about in life has

worked out in a way that’s best for me, so this will too.

But I also know that I can’t just sit back and wait

for things to come to me. I know this with my career,

which is why I’m out there, perfecting my craft. I’m

taking classes, I’m getting a degree, I’m interning, I’m

talking to people in my field to learn more…so that I

can be successful. And that’s the same thing I need

to do with meeting people. Because I’ll never find the

person I want to be with if I never go anywhere. So I

need to get out of my comfort zone—because, not going

to go into it, but going to new places and meeting

people has never been something I’m good at—but I

need to. Not to meet “the person” per say, but just to

make friends. Because when I actually do go to an

event or join a class or whatever, I love it. I have so

much fun and I love meeting new people and making

new friends. Just that barrier I have to cross about actually

getting out there is the issue. But I’ll get there.

Okay, it took me three days to write this column

when it would have normally taken me an hour. I’m

done now. Talk to y’all next week.\

Photo Source: Simply Stamps

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