CONFESSIONS OF A 25-YEAR-OLD ME

Have any of you seen that movie, Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen? I saw it years ago. I don’t remember anything about it. The only reason I mention it is because I have taken inspiration for the headline of this column from that movie. And, as you have probably figured out, this column is going to be filled with my confessions. Now, a confession is normally defined as someone admitting a sin. But I haven’t really ever committed any sins. Okay, there was that one time in high-school that I got a bad grade back on a test on Friday, and didn’t tell my parents until Monday so as not to ruin the weekend. But, apart from that, I’m a good person. So I suppose I don’t have confessions per say, but I do have secrets. And now I’m going to share these secrets with you. So buckle up and get ready for the ride. I’m just going to dive on in. I’m the type of person who likes to give off this relaxed, chilled out, vibe. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. I have anxiety issues. I worry about everything. I worry about the silliest things. For example, if I have to go to a new location for something, I’ll worry about the parking situation. What if I can’t find parking? What if I never find a spot? What if I’m just driving around for hours? I’m that person who will have an ache in my hand, type my symptoms into Web MD, and manage to convince myself I have some terrible disease. There is never a day that my mind is free of any worries…there is always something or the other. Right now, my biggest worry is that I have three classes in my current program that I would like to transfer/double dip into this new program I am starting, and there isn’t any clarity on whether that will go through. And the problem is that I already took the certification test so I basically have to do this program and I really don’t want to have to repeat a class I already took and got an A on. So I’m just praying and hoping that it’ll all work out for the best. Because I really want to do this program as it will provide me skills and practice in being a teacher. Furthermore, with this program, I will be qualified and certified to teach early childhood up to grade six. And, since starting an education program, I have become really passionate about teaching and the education field as a whole. I will be graduating with a Master’s in Early Childhood Education in December and going right into the new Master of Arts in the Teaching program in January. And that’s why I really hope all three classes can be transferred/double-dipped because, like I said, I already took and got an A in each of the classes. So hopefully it’ll work out. My second secret is that I want to get married, but I’m also scared too. It’s a weird situation. I’m such a girl and I’m such a romantic. I see people in relationships and I think “I want that.” But then I worry about the after marriage moments. How much of my individuality will I lose? Will I be able to continue seeing my family and friends whenever I want? Can I continue working…because I am not ready to give up all these years of hard work. I want to have children but I also want to work. I don’t believe in gender roles. I want equality in the marriage where me and my husband both work and both take care of the kids and both take care of the home. More questions—will I be able to continue doing small things like staying up late watching TV? And I’ve never been in a relationship so I don’t even know if I’ll be any good at it. I want to get married, I really do, but I still haven’t found anyone and my anxiety is getting the better of me. There is also the problem that I am from a culture that focuses a lot on gender roles. There are expectations for married women that wouldn’t work for me. Basically, the woman is expected to give up a lot of her individuality and pretty much forget her life as a single person, which doesn’t really work for me. Of course I will compromise and I know that things, like my priorities, will change after marriage. But all I want is a two-way street. I don’t want to be the only one who has to make all the compromises and changes. I don’t want to lose who I am when I get married. And that’s what’s causing me to hesitate when it comes to this and why I am not 100 percent sure about it. I’m trying this thing to combat my anxiety by focusing on the positives of each scenario and it seems to be working. And what also helps me, in terms of any of my worries, is to hold on to my faith. And hold on to the fact that things have always worked out in a way that is best for me. So this (the whole marriage thing and the double dipping of classes) will too. Plus, due to different reasons, I seem to have a very weird idea of marriage and, most likely, all of my worries are not even worth worrying about. Sometimes when I get way to freaked out, I just have to say to myself “it’s fine Trishna, it’s all good.” Okay, another secret. I love music. And not just music from today, but any music. I always listen to music when I’m writing tidbits and sometimes I’ll listen to songs from recent years, sometimes I’ll listen to old songs from my favorite band and sometimes I’ll listen to songs from Disney Channel and Disney Channel movies. My favorite brand is Pop, but I’ll listen to anything for the most part. Of course, there are a few genres I do not enjoy. And now a few random secrets that don’t require much explanation. 2018 is the first year I have watched X Factor UK since 2010, and the only reason I am watching is because a member of my favorite band is a judge. Sometimes I’ll watch a show or movie purely because one person I am a fan of is in it. Luckily, for the most part, I’ll start enjoying whatever it is I am watching and stick with it. That’s exactly how I got into Westworld and now I am impatiently waiting for season 3. By the way, if you haven’t seen the show, I highly suggest you watch it. It’s mind-blowing, incredibly confusing and really makes you think. But wow oh wow is it GOOD TV. To end, I am running on only a few hours of sleep. I went to bed at 11pm and had to wake up at 6am. You would think that would get me 7 hours of sleep. But no. I was so stressed that I would oversleep so I didn’t get a comfortable sleep. I think I woke up every two hours to check the clock. So, yeah, I want to sleep. That’s all for today, everyone. Thanks for reading. PS: Between the time of writing and the day of publication, my main cause of stress—the transfer of the three classes—was accepted. So there’s that and everything is looking up. Picture Sources: Amazon, HBO