By Safyah Alam
Gulf Coast Center
Editor’s Note: The following is the first in series of columns from our friends at Gulf Coast Center.
Do you often find yourself criticizing your every move and every decision? Do you often feel guilty and upset at yourself for the failures in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are not alone. Human beings have a default self-criticizing radar that we often utilize to correct ourselves. However, sometimes this criticism can take a toll on our mental health and stop us from achieving even greater things ahead. Our brains can nag us with these negative thoughts about ourselves to the point that we start to believe in these thoughts, and we become these thoughts. “Why can’t I do anything right?” can turn into “I am a failure, and I will never do anything right.” “How come I don’t have any close friends?” can turn into “I am not cut out to have friends, I am not worthy of that connection, and I can never have close friends who care about me.” “Why are my peers doing so much better than me at this age?” can turn into “I always lack behind, and I could never catch up.”
While these are valid thoughts and emotions, they do not create a more productive environment for us. This pattern of negative thinking fails to show solutions and gets in the way of recovery and healing. So, what can be helpful?
Although there are many ways to change your negative thought patterns, an easy way is to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion is defined as “giving yourself the same level of kindness as you would to a friend” (self-compassion.org). To explain this further, let’s think about a situation where a friend or loved one comes to you in a sad state of mind and tells you that they are dealing with a mistake. For example, the friend just spent hundreds of dollars on a class they had doubts about passing, and now they have failed the course. In this situation, would you tell them that this is what they get for not listening to their gut feeling, or would you offer kind words such as “it’s alright, you tried your best, maybe you can try again” or “don’t be too hard on yourself, you worked hard on this class”? I am willing to bet that most people will take the latter approach.
The word “compassion” means “to suffer with.” This means that when you show compassion, you recognize that someone is suffering, you may feel moved by their suffering, and as a result, you want to offer kindness. Self-compassion is all the above, except now you do it to yourself.
According to the lead researcher on self-compassion, Kristin Neff offers three elements, to sum up self-compassion:
The first one is self-kindness: being warm and understanding towards oneself when feeling inadequate and recognizing that being imperfect is part of who we are. When one accepts this reality, greater self-kindness and emotional stability are experienced.
The second is common humanity: often, feeling frustrated about our failures can lead to us feeling isolated in our experiences as if we are the only one’s suffering. Showing self-compassion means recognizing that suffering is a shared human experience and something we all go through. Thus, making us feel less isolated or lonely and increasing our well-being.
The third element is mindfulness: A balanced approach to our experiences, thoughts, and emotions. Self-compassion requires that we neither suppress nor exaggerate our negative emotional experiences. A willingness to observe the negative thoughts and feelings as they come. Imagine watching your thoughts and emotions on leaves on a stream. They pass down the stream without any roadblocks and judgments, free to go wherever they please.
If this is a new concept for you, there might be a few raised eyebrows and skeptical comments. Let’s debunk some myths about self-compassion:
Self-compassion is not the same as self-indulgence. Many people are afraid of showing self-compassion because they think they will let themselves get away with anything. This is that “treat yourself” mentality. Social media has a plethora of memes where someone is stressed out, and they go on a shopping spree or binge on fatty foods, labeling it as “self-care.” On the contrary, this can be more harmful to your well-being. Healthy behaviors and being kind to yourself may involve some amount of displeasure (such as exercising, turning off the TV, calling a friend to tell them how you really feel, etc.)
Self-compassion is not self-esteem. Self-esteem usually refers to our sense of self-worth and how much we like ourselves. This means that any attempts to raise our self-esteem may result in narcissistic tendencies or self-absorbed behavior and lead us to be aggressive towards those who say anything to make us feel bad about ourselves potentially. The need to have a higher sense of self-esteem may lead to ignoring or distorting our shortcomings. Again, self-compassion is about recognizing our imperfections and being mindful.
Self-compassion is not self-pity. People who have self-pity become immersed in their problems and exaggerate their suffering. They also forget that others are suffering and feel isolated in their grief. The number one rule for self-compassion is to recognize suffering exists. Following that, we hold our pain as is instead of suppressing or exaggerating it.
Scientific research on self-compassion shows benefits in many areas, including anxiety, depressive symptoms, fostering resilience, increasing motivation, optimism, and conscientiousness. In addition, self-compassion can be especially helpful in making people feel less “stuck” and helping those who tend to be very self-critical. Finally, self-compassion has been shown to have lasting positive impressions on overall psychological and emotional well-being.
Like any other change in your life, taking the steps towards being more self-compassionate requires deliberate and mindful practice. As you begin to practice self-compassion, there will be many times you will feel your brain going back to the same patterns of negative thinking. I am here to tell you that it’s alright if that happens. When you notice your brain falling into those patterns, gently bring your awareness back to self-compassion and keep practicing. There will come a time when being self-compassionate becomes second nature to you.
If you would like to learn more about self-compassion, visit www.self-compassion.org or check out any of the following books: Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff, The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive by Kristin Neff & Christopher Germer, The Self-Compassion Workbook for Teens: Mindfulness and Compassion Skills to Overcome Self-Criticism and Embrace Who You Are by Karen Bluth & Kristin Neff, and The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions by Christopher Germer.
- If you need emotional support, please reach out to Gulf Coast Center’s Texans Recovering Together Crisis Counseling Program at 1800-643-0967 *Option 8. Counselors are available Monday-Friday, 8 am-5 pm, to help you through any struggles you may be experiencing and connect you to community resources. All our services are free and confidential.
About the author: Safyah Alam received her Master’s in Clinical Psychology in 2019. She is currently a Crisis Counselor with the Gulf Coast Center’s Texans Recovering Together Program. Safyah enjoys her free time reading, cuddling up with her pets, and watching K-pop videos. safyaha@gulfcoastcenter.org
