A few nights ago I got into a little disagreement with
my mom. Basically, it centered around my horrible
sleeping habits. Ever since I started earning my undergraduate
degree in 2011, I haven’t been going to
sleep at a reasonable hour. Most people probably go
to sleep around 10pm or 11pm, right? I’ll go to sleep
from anytime between midnight and 3am. The time I
sleep depends on the time I have to get up the next
day. For example, if I have to be up by 6:15am, I will
try (read: try) to be asleep by 11:15pm. But if it’s a
weekend and I don’t have to be awake at any specified
time, there’s a chance that you’ll see me up at
3am deep in YouTube videos.
And that’s pretty much what I’m up that late doing.
I’ll start watching a show or YouTube video, and then
see something else I want to watch, and then decide
to listen to a song, and then another song, and before
I know it, it’s way later than I expected it to be and
suddenly I’m going “if I sleep right now I’ll get seven
hours of sleep.” But do I turn off my computer? That
would be no.
Then, of course, I regret it the next morning. Because
there I am falling asleep over my cornflakes.
And then my mom sees me and is like “you haven’t
slept well last night, I can see it in your eyes.” And
then I get a talk about how I need to take care of my
body and let my eyes and mind rest and “not be on
the phone/computer so late.” And, you know something,
I agree with her. You’ll find this strange
to hear, considering everything you have just
read, but I love sleeping. Once I actually get to
sleep, I can do it all day. Well, maybe I couldn’t,
but I can easily sleep for hours on end.
So, why am I always up so late? Of course,
the easy answer is –Trishna, it’s because
you’re on the computer watching fan-made
videos of Ron and Hermione and listening to
Zayn songs. But I know for a fact that this isn’t
the reason. I mean it’s a part of it, a big part of
it, but there is an underlying reason. Which I’ve
finally figured out.
I stay up late because I don’t want to be in
that position where I’m sleeping and all my
thoughts—that I keep at bay during the day
when I’m distracted—come rushing in. And I’m
not talking about thoughts like ‘what should I
have for dinner tonight’ or ‘I really want chocolate
right now’, but stress-inducing, anxiety-rid den
thoughts. Thoughts about my professional
future, thoughts about my personal future,
thoughts about life…all of that. And I hate facing
the thoughts because it makes me nervous.
I am the type of person who hates not knowing
what the future holds. Everyone else is like ‘oh,
I love not knowing, that’s what makes it fun.’
And I’m just like ‘no, I hate not knowing.’ If I
could see into the future, and see exactly how
my life ends up, I would jump at that chance.
Will I ever find the man of my dreams and get
married? Will I have a successful career? Will I
have kids? Will I be happy? These are some of
the thoughts that often cross my mind and the
ones I want to know the answers too.
Real talk—the future freaks me out. More real
talk—I don’t understand how there are people
my age who already have their life figured out.
I mean I know people my age who are already
established in their careers. I know people
my age who already have enough money for
their own place. I know people my age who are
married, some even with kids. And what am
I? A single pringle who’s still lives at home, is
in school, getting a degree, and trying to figure this
mess called life out.
And deep down, like way deep down, I know that
I am on the right path. I may not be with anyone just
yet, but that’s giving me time to shape myself into the
person I want to be. I’m able to do whatever I want,
because I don’t have to think about someone else’s
schedule. I’m able to learn about myself and learn
what I want; so that, when I meet someone, I know
they’re the right person. And I’m getting my degrees,
I’m doing internships, I’m taking classes—all so that
I can be successful in my career. It would be worse if
I was just sitting around doing nothing. But that’s not
the case. I’m working hard so that I can have the life I
want. It just would be nice if the process would speed
up a bit, you know?
Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage.
Maybe it’s because I was recently at my cousin’s
wedding. Maybe it’s because so many people I know
have recently gotten married or engaged. I don’t re ally
know. But I was listening to a song and, no joke,
I was picturing myself walking down the aisle to that
song. I already know what song I want to dance to
as my first dance. I already have an idea of who I
want my bridesmaids to be. I’ve had all this in mind
since 2013 and yet I’m still with no one. And I know
‘the grass is always greener’ and there are so many
perks to being single. I’m not desperate or anything,
don’t get me wrong, I just want to know that it’s going
to happen for me. I freak myself out with the thoughts
that it won’t ever happen for me. And that’s when I
have to calm myself down by reminding myself that
everything else that I have worried about in life has
worked out in a way that’s best for me, so this will too.
But I also know that I can’t just sit back and wait
for things to come to me. I know this with my career,
which is why I’m out there, perfecting my craft. I’m
taking classes, I’m getting a degree, I’m interning, I’m
talking to people in my field to learn more…so that I
can be successful. And that’s the same thing I need
to do with meeting people. Because I’ll never find the
person I want to be with if I never go anywhere. So I
need to get out of my comfort zone—because, not going
to go into it, but going to new places and meeting
people has never been something I’m good at—but I
need to. Not to meet “the person” per say, but just to
make friends. Because when I actually do go to an
event or join a class or whatever, I love it. I have so
much fun and I love meeting new people and making
new friends. Just that barrier I have to cross about actually
getting out there is the issue. But I’ll get there.
Okay, it took me three days to write this column
when it would have normally taken me an hour. I’m
done now. Talk to y’all next week.\
Photo Source: Simply Stamps
